i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
