his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
