I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she told me i tasted like america
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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