we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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