I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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