The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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