The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
