Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
