i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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