Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
