Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
