That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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