if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
