I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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