i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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