The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
