He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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