That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
