Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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