please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
