he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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