Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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