It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
