I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You ruined the universe
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
