I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
