I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
