I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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