my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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