I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
