i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
