i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
