Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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