I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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