just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
