Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
