I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
