Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
