I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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