I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
