saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm really busy with my period
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