I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
