the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
