OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
