i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
