So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
