just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
