If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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