Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
