Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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