it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
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Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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