I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
