New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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