So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
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Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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