Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
