i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
