I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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